Why Empathy Is Not a Dirty Word

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

I’ve seen headlines of late: “How Empathy Became a Threat,” “The Bizarre Right-Wing War on…Empathy?,” and more. The notion that empathy can be seen as a weakness, and that empathy may just lead you to be manipulated, is… interesting. I suppose even the Golden Rule has been challenged (see Tony Alessandra’s the Platinum Rule). But let’s do a full-on non-political stop. Empathy is not a weakness. Empathy - get ready for it - is a full-blown superpower. It’s inquisitive, not accusatory. It’s thoughtful, not belligerent. And it can be used for diffusing conflict. 

Empathetic leaders know it’s not all about them. And they certainly know they aren’t always right. 

Let’s take a recent example from a client. Manager A and Manager B hit heads. Manager A is a conflict seeker while Manager B is conflict-averse. Manager B (a superior) was having a hard time with Manager A not meeting expectations. As a result of conveying these concerns, Manager A took it as a personal attack and unleashed on Manager B (full-blown temper tantrum). Manager B paused, reflected, and extended an olive branch after this showing, seeking to understand. Manager A declined acceptance and continued down the path of rage. 

This situation could have unfolded in many different ways, but it’s not shocking that Manager A and Manager B had a conflict; they are ends of magnets that repel one another (which, funny enough, are called “like poles”). If we review this situation, even without the details, what do we know? We know that one person has seniority (Manager B), and that was not a deterrent to Manager A. We know that one person sought resolution (Manager B), and that it was declined by Manager A. We know that one person was missing the mark at their job, and thus, it got addressed.

Could you imagine if Manager B had zero empathy? This would have been a colossal conflict. And, could you imagine if Manager A had any? Manager A would have wanted to learn how to improve, understand what they missed, and most importantly, would have appreciated Manager B’s attempt to reconcile.

I see conflict day in and day out. And, most often, people take offense when none is meant. Tone, body language, and even eye contact can, of course, influence how relatable someone is, or how open they are intending to be, but it’s often the receiver who needs to work on their judgment. The beauty of empathy is that it takes strength to understand another person. What happened that morning to them? What’s going on with their family? What stress do you not know about? Being the person who does not always need to leverage anger, a very rudimentary human response (again, reference the image of the toddler melting down in this post), takes strength. It takes wisdom. It takes temperance. Manager B sought to understand Manager A even after an unhelpful and aggressive response. Isn’t that what you hope for in a manager? (And yes, in also a world leader.)

Whether you are a manager or not, practicing empathy will help you relate better to others, and it can be used as a tool for influence. 

How to Delegate

A lot of the topics I cover are team-minded. Regardless of our KPIs, we are leaders of people at the end of the day… and leaders have their work cut out for them: Balancing managerial responsibilities with their own workflows, and aiming to be an effective communicator throughout it all. 

But what happens when a manager doesn’t know how to delegate? The responsibilities become even greater.

We often see managers become managers because of their success in being an individual contributor (IC). This is where I come in to help the IC learn how to manage effectively. But let’s pretend I’m not in the picture. What often happens when an IC turns into a manager is that he/she forgets that they are no longer an IC — and they can have a really hard time relinquishing control. 

What’s harder than being responsible for a team? Being responsible for the team and taking on the work of the team. Back to my point about delegation and skill building. 

If you’re drowning in work, here’s a checklist to get you started with delegation:

1) Identify what tasks can be delegated. What’s appropriate to divide among the team? How does this align with their yearly goals? 

2) Choose the right person to manage each task. You must match skill and experience. This provides insight into skill gaps and opportunities for professional development. Seniority may come into play here, too. 

3) Provide a roadmap. What is the project, when must it be done, and how involved will you be? And, perhaps most importantly, what does success look like for completion? 

Having a hard time delegating? Let’s discuss. 

It's Not All About You

Photo by Josh Calabrese on Unsplash

Picture this. You recently promoted a team member for their hard work. Outside of seniority, your recently promoted member, let’s call this person Sal, has worked hard to accomplish a great quantity of projects. Recently, one of Sal’s direct reports put in their notice. The report has had trouble for over a year, struggling with personal challenges, something you’ve been very understanding about. 

In your effort to be innovative, you dream up a solution: By offering Sal’s subordinate flexibility to continue to work, albeit not full-time, you allow space for a person who is personally struggling. Your team is performing well and you’ve invested significant time into your team’s camaraderie. 

We often wish organizations would be creative about the “human element.” People are complicated: there must be some allowances. Typically these allowances are measured in policy to ensure folks don’t take advantage. I’m all for standards and policies, but I’m also a strong advocate for innovation. If a company can retain a team member, even if the role and scope look a little different than what they were doing previously, that’s a win for everyone. 

While I could focus on the monumental win here of problem-solving when dealing with personnel issues, I actually want to go back to Sal. 

Sal’s response to this solution was dismal, at best. When approached with the idea to offer this arrangement to the team member, you are met with disbelief. “What will other people think?” “I had a hard year too.” The general tone is negative. 

You decide to proceed, as you feel it reflects the values of the team as a whole, but are troubled by Sal’s self-focused response. What do you do? 

It’s apparent there’s an empathy gap. Everyone has their own “stuff.” And only we know what we go through. But when anyone is put into a managerial position, the truth is empathy must increase. You must try to put on their glasses and see the world through a different lens.  If Sal’s boss also looked at Sal and any direct report without empathy, there’s no way the aforementioned solution would have been dreamt up. So how can we increase empathy, one of the most important attributes for a leader? Stay tuned, as I’ll provide suggestions for you and your team in my next post.

Why Social Cues Matter

Understanding and interpreting social cues are an essential piece of communication skills. In fact, understanding social cues can help foster deeper interpersonal relationships, can establish trust, and can even aid in landing a promotion. 

By recognizing and utilizing social cues, individuals can navigate social situations with confidence by demonstrating social competence. Social cues are often nonverbal, which can include body language such as proxemics, eye contact, and gestures. Further, it’s important to also consider contextual cues and tone. 

Take a moment to consider your social cues IQ:

Proxemics: 

“The Close Talker,” one of the legendary episodes of Seinfeld, demonstrates proxemics perfectly. When someone continues to cut off or invade your space, it can feel suffocating. When people are hovering over you, or “pushing” you into the corner by moving their physical body toward yours, it is not a good feeling. It can feel intimidating, invasive, inconsiderate, or just plain idiotic. The problem is, that without feedback and self-reflection, proxemics will not improve. Take a moment to consider if people you speak with fidget often, or if you find yourself in a different location than when you started a discussion. If you’re unsure, think about the physical space between your body and someone else’s when you shake hands. This is an appropriate distance.

Eye Contact: 

Eye contact affirms people. It demonstrates listening and provides nonverbal validation. If you are working remotely, be sure to consider what screen you are looking at, and how often. Further, if you are taking notes, make it known, so as to not alienate attendees on the call. 

Contextual Cues:

Imagine you are invited to a company-wide meeting. The meeting is not marked as mandatory, but it’s apparent your colleagues are attending, and your manager urged your group to be present. At the last minute, you decline the meeting and say you have other priorities. In this context, how would that be seen? If your hunch is that it’s a less favorable call, you’d be right. 

Tone: 

A rapid pace and short breaths often indicate frustration or a need for urgency. A slow and steady tone demonstrates patience and time. Accusatory language often coincides with volume, and a lack of confidence often coincides with filler words and shakiness. 

Do you think your social cue skills are honed but want some feedback? Great idea. Seek feedback from a peer and a manager for some balanced views.