I’ve seen headlines of late: “How Empathy Became a Threat,” “The Bizarre Right-Wing War on…Empathy?,” and more. The notion that empathy can be seen as a weakness, and that empathy may just lead you to be manipulated, is… interesting. I suppose even the Golden Rule has been challenged (see Tony Alessandra’s the Platinum Rule). But let’s do a full-on non-political stop. Empathy is not a weakness. Empathy - get ready for it - is a full-blown superpower. It’s inquisitive, not accusatory. It’s thoughtful, not belligerent. And it can be used for diffusing conflict.

Empathetic leaders know it’s not all about them. And they certainly know they aren’t always right.

Let’s take a recent example from a client. Manager A and Manager B hit heads. Manager A is a conflict seeker while Manager B is conflict-averse. Manager B (a superior) was having a hard time with Manager A not meeting expectations. As a result of conveying these concerns, Manager A took it as a personal attack and unleashed on Manager B (full-blown temper tantrum). Manager B paused, reflected, and extended an olive branch after this showing, seeking to understand. Manager A declined acceptance and continued down the path of rage.

This situation could have unfolded in many different ways, but it’s not shocking that Manager A and Manager B had a conflict; they are ends of magnets that repel one another (which, funny enough, are called “like poles”). If we review this situation, even without the details, what do we know? We know that one person has seniority (Manager B), and that was not a deterrent to Manager A. We know that one person sought resolution (Manager B), and that it was declined by Manager A. We know that one person was missing the mark at their job, and thus, it got addressed.

Could you imagine if Manager B had zero empathy? This would have been a colossal conflict. And, could you imagine if Manager A had any? Manager A would have wanted to learn how to improve, understand what they missed, and most importantly, would have appreciated Manager B’s attempt to reconcile.

I see conflict day in and day out. And, most often, people take offense when none is meant. Tone, body language, and even eye contact can, of course, influence how relatable someone is, or how open they are intending to be, but it’s often the receiver who needs to work on their judgment. The beauty of empathy is that it takes strength to understand another person. What happened that morning to them? What’s going on with their family? What stress do you not know about? Being the person who does not always need to leverage anger, a very rudimentary human response (again, reference the image of the toddler melting down in this post), takes strength. It takes wisdom. It takes temperance. Manager B sought to understand Manager A even after an unhelpful and aggressive response. Isn’t that what you hope for in a manager? (And yes, in also a world leader.)

Whether you are a manager or not, practicing empathy will help you relate better to others, and it can be used as a tool for influence.