Just in Time for the Holidays: Tips on Managing Conflict

Conflict is like change – it’s constant. With the holidays in full swing, you are bound to face conflict in the coming weeks. But how can you best address it? Continue reading…

Conflict, and the stress that comes along with it, can be a key contributor to health problems, e.g., sleep issues, excessive eating, and can even increase the likelihood of a heart attack. And, stress is often associated with the holiday season. The good news is this: You can at least effectively manage the stress that derives from conflict by understanding the following…

There are four primary types of conflict. These include Relationship Conflict, Task Conflict, Process Conflict, and Status Conflict. While we see all four types of conflict in places of work, we typically see Relationship and Process Conflict in the home, which is what we will focus on today since you’re about to see relatives and might be responsible for this year’s cooking.

Relational conflict revolves around personal issues. It’s a feeling we know too well — a clash of personality, so to speak. These relationship-related forms of conflict consist of communication cues such as avoiding eye contact, using condescending tones during discussions, or sudden outbursts of anger / a rise in voice to one another.

When we manage this form of conflict well, we will learn more about ourselves and others. With the ability to not engage in these emotionally-charged behaviors, you can actually gain insight: If someone is reactive, what type of communication may you need to use with them in the future? If you're being difficult (let's face it, we know when we are) you should think about why. There’s a concept called “regulatory fit.” This simply means that we are more likely to put effort into the things we like doing. If you do not enjoy interacting with someone, you likely do not put effort into it, and this can lead to contempt. Thus, your knowledge of this should help you soften your edges.

And then there’s Process conflict. You’ll see this one this season as well — this refers to how something gets done, how quickly, and even who gets consulted in the process... Think: “That’s not how you wrap the presents, Sally.” or “You didn’t ask my mom for her opinion on the recipe?!” (At work, this can manifest itself through a disagreement in how you should implement policies, how quickly something should be rolled out, or who should be consulted. These are all relevant to the “how.”)

The variance in how we do something can actually be enlightening. It brings about hidden solutions. On many occasions I had team members share how they completed something, or how they reached an outcome. I not only was pleased they found a new method, but they taught me something in the process. When the in-laws’ way of doing things seem somewhat abstract, keep an open mind. Not sweating over the small stuff will ease conflict and your blood pressure.

Leading with Integrity

Reinvigorate your leadership practice in 2023 with this philosophy.

If we dissect the root cause of interpersonal conflict, we find it’s nothing revolutionary. It is often about an absence of integrity. To me, integrity is the amalgamation of honesty and respect. If this is seemingly rudimentary… good! It won’t be easy to forget. Are you truthful on a daily basis? Do you respect your peers? If you answered “yes” to these two questions, you are well on your way to leading with integrity. But if we are being completely honest with ourselves, odds are there’s room for improvement.

According to Mindy Mackenzie there’s a truth telling crisis in corporate America. All too often individuals are concerned about the consequences of the truth and lack the courage to tell it. (Fostering inclusive climates support truth telling!)

It’s unlikely that managers set out to lead with an absence of integrity, but when there are tight deadlines, process conflict, personality clashes, and the like, managers are poised to become stressed. Unfortunately, stressed managers may stretch the truth to superiors in the name of saving face and may also fall into the pit of credit theft. A integritous leader would not do either of these things.

But, if you aren’t investing in your personal development (by reading this blog) who will help keep you accountable? Work to create a network of people you respect, are respectable, and can help guide you in the best of -- and most challenging -- times. It's never too early to establish this. 

What’s beautiful about truth-telling is it’s cyclical. When a leader has a fierce team of honest confidants, they are less likely to become ego-maniacs. Similarly, when the developing manager encourages his or her team to tell the truth, regardless of whether they will like the feedback, they perpetuate the truth serum culture.

It’s when you lose the drive to be honest that we compromise ourselves and pave the path for a false reality – one where truth is non-existent. Have you ever been afraid to tell the truth, fearing disapproval, belittlement, or conflict? It’s up to you to ensure this is not the reality for your team.

In 2023, guide your decision-making and communication as a manager through the lens of honesty and respect. It won’t go unnoticed.

Are We Back to "Normal" Yet?

Photo by Andrew Thornebrooke on Unsplash

No, We Are Not Quite Yet Back to “Normal.” 

It’s been a while since I’ve written an article and posted on my blog. In part because of life responsibilities, in part because of my own conation, and in part because of exciting work commitments. But, it has been too long and thus I will be back on a quarterly basis to share my two cents about how we can observe current events or life circumstances and extract a valuable leadership and/or management lesson. 

Back to the topic at hand. We are *all* excited to get back to “normal.” What normal means differs from person to person, though, and upon reflection, my perception of normal may have evolved over the past two years. I think we can all agree that normalcy includes a decreased need for masking and an increase in social activities. Normal might even mean some time in an office space, on mass transit, less shopping online, and dining out. 

And while we dabble in the removal of social distancing and masking and aim to enjoy our lives again, we are met with an onslaught of disengagement, burnout, disregard (for fellow humans), and dwindling customer service. I know that if I easily know five people who are experiencing or who have experienced these feelings/encounters, I have no doubt that you have a list handy, too. In fact, you might be experiencing feelings of shoddy customer service or utter fatigue and burnout *right now.* What’s my point? Well, the pandemic may be ending, and things may be returning to normal, but there are lasting effects that we must become aware of and work to improve – NOW. 

Notably, the APA is incredibly concerned for the mental health of our youth – so much so that it has defined the deterioration of mental health in children as a crisis. And, as already alluded to adults aren’t all that with it either. From (the many) altercations on airlines to the hissy fits I see almost daily on the street, I fear we have forgotten how to co-exist. Turns out, there’s some truth to this assertion. 

The number one reason for people behaving in rude or uncivil ways is stress. And we all have undoubtedly experienced at least some stress throughout this pandemic. I need not go into the laundry list of just why people may have experienced stress of late, but it is worth reflecting upon how you, as an individual, feel you deal with stress. Are you more reactive? Less compassionate? Impatient? Quick to madden? Is it any wonder that conflict is stirring around us? I think not. 

What’s more, rudeness (a derivative of poor emotional regulation, caused by frequent and compounded stress), can be contagious. Say you get a delivery that was tossed around in the truck that it came to you on, and then it is used as a soccer ball in the street (you imagine). You now need to not only submit a claim with the company from which you purchased the item and hope for a replacement, but you must determine how to return the product in its botched packaging. Then, moments later, you are taking a call with a colleague who made a mistake on a project and you are noticeably short with them, striking an attack on their competency. You have passed on the angst you’ve just endured. According to Porath, people are three times less likely to help someone else if they feel they have been treated poorly. This means that we might go out of our way to be unkind, rather than kind, and that will consequently motivate the next person to pass on the snub. 

In the context of the work environment – whether onsite or at home – our actions definitionally affect others. This means that as a manager or as a colleague, we must be aware that our resiliency against rudeness has waned; we are at risk of infection! There is little chance for constructive feedback or conflict resolution in this state if we let the rude contagion win. The saying “kindness, pass it on” might need to be our new mantra, especially as we aim to get back to “normal.” A profound finding? Perhaps not, but I am taking note that in the days ahead I will put kindness at the forefront of my actions and communication. Try it with me. 

Until next time,

Brielle

First published on LinkedIn

Is There Validity to 360° Reviews?

Photo by Ben Sweet on Unsplash

Research shows that leaders can use feedback from 360° review methods to understand and improve behavioral tendencies. Feedback is, after all, a powerful way to capture the scope of perspective about an individual (which may or may not be favorable). However, the opportunity lies in what people -- or better yet, the organization -- chooses to do with that feedback. 

There is a surprising set of data that shows underlying flaws with how these 360° reviews are being utilized and facilitated. Regrettably, most companies are missing the mark. Corporations that opt to forego regular performance discourse throughout the year, and instead rely solely on the annual review for an overarching picture of one person, can be misleading. The absence of consistent discussion about behavior and performance creates a black box; what will people say about me this year? Over time, employees and managers alike start to begrudge the process and disregard the results. What was meant to be used as an educational tool has instead turned into a villain.

Thus, it is not necessarily the tools corporations use for employee feedback and performance assessments, but rather the foundational expectations that are set. 

If you use a 360° tool, evaluate the internal perception of its worth. Are people afraid of it? Dread it? Think it’s the best thing since sliced bread? Regardless, you must consider the below in order for the process to be effective. 

It is imperative to: 

1) Have a plan in place for post-review feedback in order for said feedback to be acted upon and used. Without a plan (a coach, journal installments, 1:1 meetings, etc.) information is likely to only be received and never acted upon. Without effort, there will be no behavioral change.

2) Have a standard practice in place to ensure a) response confidentiality and b) standards of conduct. At times, feedback may not be authentically provided if staff believe their responses will come back to "haunt them" later on. Further, a review of another person is not the time to hash out personal conflict. All team members must understand this distinction or results will be skewed.

3) Make sure top leadership does not downplay its validity or importance. Without leadership backing the process, it's a waste of time. Not only is it time-consuming and costly, but it's also necessary to have a trained individual assessing the information, helping extract positive feedback (not just negative feedback that could possibly overwhelm and alienate the recipient). 

It’s also essential to be clear about the purpose of the 360-degree review while also coaching the staff on what to expect from the process. It's been found that the best 360 assessments focus on talents and capabilities first, prior to delving into areas that need improving. These are all components that assist in making the review process more beneficial and allow leaders to learn, as well as fine-tune their behaviors and attitudes. 

Unsure of where to begin with how to effectively get and give feedback? It may be time for a cultural climate temperature!