Listening Learnings

In my last post, I spoke about listening when you can’t hear. A true challenge that can end in people filling the void with their voice because it’s the only voice they hear well. But in the circumstance when you can hear well in general, are you being intentional about listening? 

In my coaching series, a focus area is that of listening. With each person who works with me, we dive into not only the types of listening (discriminative, comprehensive, critical, etc.), but the essentiality of the skill. Listening is indeed a skill, and it is one we do not often hone. Because of our broad ability to hear as a sense, we confuse this gift with being thoughtful about listening well. 

Walk down this path with me. Think of a person in your life who is a terrible listener. Perhaps he or she interjects, finishes your sentences, gazes into space, takes a phone call, responds to text messages, and has side-bar conversations. How does that person make you feel? Nine out of 10 times, the responses to this question are similar. When not listened to, people feel rejected, dismissed, unimportant, an inconvenience, insecure, or frustrated. But wait, what’s the flip? Think of a person in your life who is a strong listener. Someone who paraphrases your words, demonstrates through body language they are engaged, and maintains eye contact. How does this person make you feel? Again, sentiments are shared: the person who is listened to feels validated, heard, and at ease. (Is it any wonder we have an anxious generation??) 

Now that we’ve identified just some of the emotional value in listening to others, what else can it accomplish? Listening well can minimize miscommunication, establish trust, and even save time.

Just today, I can think of several examples I experienced and witnessed of others not listening well (or at all). While the act of listening can certainly improve interpersonal communication, it really is a tool to lean into when it comes to being a people manager. Setting a tone that your staff is worthy of being listened to is instrumental to your managerial skills.

Are you pretty confident you are a good listener? I guarantee you there is work to be done and I’ll be glad to help.

How to Listen When You Can't Hear

In recent sessions with a client, we have been exploring the (seemingly) fading skill of listening. In our individualistic culture, speaking more than listening is often encouraged and even rewarded. Dependent on the company culture, I’ve even observed silence being perceived as a weakness. But there is a fine line: speak too much and you may be viewed as being overbearing, having a low EQ, or even being an egomaniac… and this is precisely why focusing on the art of listening is warranted. But, if you speak too little, team members might struggle to understand what you’re thinking or contributing. What we miss here is that we can do both: we can speak intentionally and listen intently.

This client has stretched my perspective. We had to assess the nuances of listening when also dealing with a hearing impairment. In fact, it was this client who requested I write about what people should do when they have a hearing challenge and are asked to be good listeners. As we’ve worked together we have been pulling apart the complexities of not hearing well and creating opportunities for others to speak. This is a challenging task when there’s a fear of not hearing the person you’ve asked for input from. 

We discovered solutions together:

• The closed caption option on video chat technology (Microsoft Teams, Google Hangouts, etc.) is quite good and can be accessed easily.

• Being vulnerable and sharing a physical challenge with team members not only allows room for empathy, it helps individuals feel more comfortable asking if they were heard (rather than assuming what they said simply wasn’t interesting enough to be responded to).
  

What we also uncovered is that there can be trepidation about not filling the talking void. It can be uncomfortable waiting for someone else to chime in when it’s easier to hear yourself talk. You know what you’re thinking, and therefore do not have to worry about not being heard. By pausing, and allowing others more time to speak, you open yourself up to potentially not hearing them, which can be challenging. But, as mentioned, it is less daunting if you have already disclosed any impairment upfront. What’s more, sharing any hearing challenges can decrease the probability of conflict and make for more effective workplace communication.

What’s interesting is that even if you do not have any challenges with hearing, these tips are still applicable. Are you being thoughtful about others’ thoughts? Are you taking up the bulk of the talk time to overcompensate for an insecurity? If you can start to ask yourself these questions, you are on your way to being a better listener.

Should You Be A Manager?

In working with my client base, it’s always so fascinating to learn how each person landed in their managerial role. Some found themselves in management as a byproduct of working their way up the ladder (common). Others knew they wanted to manage people and were keen to become a people manager. Still, there are others who find themselves in management and find the daily push/pull of being both a producer of work and managing a team challenging. If we know anything about people we know this summary resonates: everyone is a little bit different.

But what’s so telling to me is when an, now-manager, shares his or her success as an individual contributor. Leaders of organizations assume that high performers should be capable of teaching their new team members how to be just like them. But what leaders fail at, at times, is assessing the personality profile of these individuals. Do they have the empathy it takes to be a people manager? Do they know how to listen? Do they have the patience to teach someone something when there’s a learning curve? 

Often high performers are just that: high performers. They are exceptional at their trade but have a hard time transitioning those skills to management. They’re promoted regardless and this is when rubber hits the road. Senior leadership will be served well if they not only provide education to new managers, but will also benefit from learning individual career aspirations. Perhaps an individual contributor should remain just that. Organizations that can create different pathways for upward mobility which do not all revolve around managerial requirements are poised to increase engagement and retention. 

Idea in brief: If you are considering a promotion for a stellar individual contributor, learn what they ultimately want to do at the organization. If they never managed before, but have interest in building a cohesive team, be sure you are providing them with the education to succeed.

Why (a lot of) Diversity Training Misses the Mark

There’s no shortage of problems in business. Whether it be with a product, a person, or a service line. And what must meet problems? Solutions. With lackluster numbers of women and minorities in leadership positions across the US, a solution we have turned to is diversity training. And while I agree that education is indeed a strong tool for changing behavior, we must be wise in how we approach teaching essential concepts. Regrettably, some training(s) — with antiquated approaches — can offer short-lived solutions to an ageless and rampant problem. 

Researchers have been examining whether people who undergo training shed their biases. In fact, this has been researched for over 90 years in thousands of studies. It turns out that diversity training can indeed elicit people to respond correctly to questionnaires about bias, but those right answers are soon forgotten – in as soon as a day or two. What’s more, studies suggest that this training can activate bias.

Regardless of the not-so-compelling data for diversity training, many companies participate (nearly all the Fortune 500, for example). What gives? Why is diversity training contributing to the problem? For starters, three-quarters of training use negative messages– drawing upon figures around lawsuits and large settlements in their training. The idea is that fear will motivate. And guess what? Just as in management, threats or “negative incentives” do not encourage people to listen to the message at hand.

Another reason your training may be missing the mark? Making the training a requirement. The general response to compulsory courses is met with anger and resistance and actually makes animosity grow toward other groups after these sessions. Further, and this is even scarier, when corporations require training, an inverse reaction occurs: Minorities in leadership positions decrease. 

Being a leadership consultant means I bet my livelihood on the efficacy of leadership education (which includes many facets of DEI knowledge). Including tidbits like this. If your consultant or training group incorporates damning facts about the risk to the bottom line if you do not participate in diversity training, keep looking. This is not the motivation your teams need. Further, if you sign up for diversity training and make the training a requirement, think again. While it may seem counterintuitive to not make it mandatory, rely on data to steer you in the correct direction with your DEI efforts. Studies show that optional training is associated with an increase in women and minorities in leadership positions.

Now that you’re clear on the things not to do in diversity training, what type of education should your sessions include? More to come.