We have all been there. You can picture it. Whether you are the one unable to listen, or you are watching your colleague from across the room – awkwardly shifting with anticipation for their turn to talk – listening actively is harder than it looks.
Only 10% of people listen effectively, and actively. The rest of us are worried about what we are going to say, how we want to respond, or how we want to frame our advice. What’s more, if it is not our own reply that we are conjuring up as another person speaks, then it is the dinging of our phones – email, texts, and calls – or simply the noise in our heads that make sure we are distracted from listening. If you are honest, the odds of us being completely present when another person is speaking, are low.
Listening is less about the physical ability to hear, and more about comprehension, internalization, and recognition – even the pauses (some would say awkward silences) have meaning.
The good news? Active listening is a skill, and like any skill, it can be honed. If you are familiar with mindfulness or the notion of being in the present moment, you are already a step ahead. Through being present, you are more physically capable to listen.
Why should we care about listening? Well, a lot of reasons. First, if you are a manager, you need to actively listen to your team members. This not only increases empathy, it decreases conflict, and promotes trust. (What an efficient way to spark cohesion!) These benefits are unquestionably valuable among friends, family, and peers - of all ages - as well.
Exercise: Ask a colleague or loved one to practice with you (it is highly probable they need the help too!). Meet for tea or coffee, and ask your counterpart a simple question: how are they doing? This exercise should focus on asking open-ended questions. This is not about you offering advice or judging what is being said. It is about recognizing when your mind drifts. Are you thinking about the temperature of the coffee? The weather? Or perhaps you’re thinking about what may happen if your child doesn’t make the basketball team. Try to be aware of all of those thoughts. Rather than fight them, recognize them and come back to the present moment (listening to your counterpart) without judgement.
What this exercise will do:
It will show you how much your mind wanders
It will encourage you to be more mindful of your thoughts
It will challenge you to realize your intentions of speaking e.g., rebuttals, advice, point-making.
This may seem slightly off topic for leadership advisement, but I assure you it is not! Instead, attentive and fully engaged listening is essential to establishing authentic relationships and cultivating team cohesion.