Listening vs. Waiting to Talk

We have all been there. You can picture it. Whether you are the one unable to listen, or you are watching your colleague from across the room – awkwardly shifting with anticipation for their turn to talk – listening actively is harder than it looks.

Only 10% of people listen effectively, and actively. The rest of us are worried about what we are going to say, how we want to respond, or how we want to frame our advice. What’s more, if it is not our own reply that we are conjuring up as another person speaks, then it is the dinging of our phones – email, texts, and calls – or simply the noise in our heads that make sure we are distracted from listening. If you are honest, the odds of us being completely present when another person is speaking, are low.

Listening is less about the physical ability to hear, and more about comprehension, internalization, and recognition – even the pauses (some would say awkward silences) have meaning.

The good news? Active listening is a skill, and like any skill, it can be honed. If you are familiar with mindfulness or the notion of being in the present moment, you are already a step ahead. Through being present, you are more physically capable to listen.

Why should we care about listening? Well, a lot of reasons. First, if you are a manager, you need to actively listen to your team members. This not only increases empathy, it decreases conflict, and promotes trust. (What an efficient way to spark cohesion!) These benefits are unquestionably valuable among friends, family, and peers - of all ages - as well.

Exercise: Ask a colleague or loved one to practice with you (it is highly probable they need the help too!). Meet for tea or coffee, and ask your counterpart a simple question: how are they doing? This exercise should focus on asking open-ended questions. This is not about you offering advice or judging what is being said. It is about recognizing when your mind drifts. Are you thinking about the temperature of the coffee? The weather? Or perhaps you’re thinking about what may happen if your child doesn’t make the basketball team. Try to be aware of all of those thoughts. Rather than fight them, recognize them and come back to the present moment (listening to your counterpart) without judgement.

What this exercise will do:

• It will show you how much your mind wanders

• It will encourage you to be more mindful of your thoughts

• It will challenge you to realize your intentions of speaking e.g., rebuttals, advice, point-making.

This may seem slightly off topic for leadership advisement, but I assure you it is not! Instead, attentive and fully engaged listening is essential to establishing authentic relationships and cultivating team cohesion.   

Manager Trapdoors: Four Themes to Correct

Individual contributors are a vital part of the organizations for which we work. These individuals are set on a path to achieve. In their success, they are seen as a rising star and are candidates for promotion. Even if the rising star doesn’t know it, their promotion may come with it new, or additional, management responsibilities. But does a high-achiever mean they too are compassionate, respectful, and hold other human leadership attributes? Maybe. But more often than not, no.

This is not to diminish the high-achiever! We need them! And companies should want to reward achievement. The irony? The reward of management responsibility is mismatched with the achievement role, and often sets people up for failure. Pointedly, rewarding high achievers with the responsibility of leading a team is archaic and rooted in traditional work structures dating back to the industrial revolution. (Need an alternative? Let’s discuss.)

If these high-achievers aim to be an exceptional manager and leader, too, then there is great potential. Determining the intent of the individual (e.g., is a life goal to help coach and manage others?) will help direct decision makers in next steps. 

Next steps should consist of coaching for these employees. If they are high performers, help them maintain that level of excellence with the new endeavor of management. When education and coaching does not occur for a new manager, there are four primary themes that result. More simply, these are the traps new managers can fall into without an ample dose of awareness.

Listening
Individual contributors, especially those whom excel, are used to being heard, not hearing. But take note: hearing is different from listening. Listening is an active, engaged, and thoughtful practice. Done well, and listening can tap into core feelings, motivations, and strengthen relationships between team members.

Micromanaging
There’s a reason the high-achiever was promoted. They achieved. They surpassed expectations. They also had a significant amount of influence over their success. One of the biggest challenges for new managers is to control less, and empower more. I’ve seen it time and time again; new managers are concerned about their team’s performance but rather than supporting their team with the tools to achieve on their own, the manager tightens their grip. The belief is only they are capable enough to complete the task well. This attitude is one of the fastest ways to alienate a team.   

Egomania
I call these the “God’s gift to mankind” type. New ideas are seldom heard and team members fear retaliation if they disagree with their boss. As a new manager, the goal should be eagerness to learn and serve.

Feedback
Feedback shouldn’t be left for when there’s a problem. Without training, new managers may find critical feedback is only acceptable during a review. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Consistency and communication are the two attributes leaders and managers must always come back to. Does your employee know how they are doing? Are they given feedback on their performance? Are they recognized for a job well done?  

These themes are rampant – I see each issue in every single client’s place of work. Without addressing them, the crisis of depleting employee engagement then ensues. And, the decrease in employee engagement is a tell-tale sign of a pending departure.

In coming weeks I’ll address tips for acknowledging team members, and the importance in doing so.